My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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