My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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