Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This house was built for laser tag.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Even my vagina gasped.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
