Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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