God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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