also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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