I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
