remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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