I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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