I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
