News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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