Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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