This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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