All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
