the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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