Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
