I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
