someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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