I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
