I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
