Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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