here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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