Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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