"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
