Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
