Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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