....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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