I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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