i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
whose ass print is on the piano?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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