my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
