Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
zippers are such a cool invention
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
