If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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