Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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