Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
