All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
