I think I died a long time ago.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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