Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
