I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
