i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
