i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
