I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
