I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize