My Higher Power is John Stamos
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
