I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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