if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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