We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
