i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
3 2 1 whiskey
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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