The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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