I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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