I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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