Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
