I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
