We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Please don't give away my fajitas
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
