You don't have asthma, your pregnant
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
