I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
