Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
